It's Only a Movie
by heechan
Summary: Oh dear god. Yohji has taken a vow of chastity a la Josh Hartnett in 40 Days and 40 Nights. God save us all. Random yaoiness abounds...and I never actually saw the movie, either. v_v


It's Only A Movie  
by: heechan  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Ridiculous!" steamed Yohji under his breath. "Utterly insane."  
Omi looked up from the peonies he had been watering with a squirt bottle. "What is it, Yohji-kun?" he enquired, looking puzzled. Even Aya looked mildly interested.  
"These movie plots are getting more and more ridiculous all the time. Totally unnatural." The honey-blond man dropped the newspaper he'd been reading back onto the counter and walked off, pocketing his lighter and shaking his head. Ken scooped it up.  
"What was the movie about, Ken-kun?" asked Omi, risking the peonies as he scooted across the counter. Ken started laughing.  
"Well, no wonder he found it hard to believe!" Omi peeked around Ken's arm at the ad he was pointing at.  
"40 Days and 40 Nights? Isn't that that American film where..." Omi trailed off, then they both started laughing.  
"...ne, Yohji-kun..." said Ken, from his position upside down on the couch. If you were standing on your head, you could read his expression as one of demonic intent. Yohji, oblivious and very much so right-side up, peered briefly over the tops of his sunglasses.  
"Yes?" His expression, tone, posture, and entire manner conveyed a feeling of complete and total disinterest. Ken plowed on regardless.  
"Remember that movie you were complaining about?"  
"Yeah..." said Yohji cautiously, starting to catch on. "What about it?"   
"Well, suppose, just for a second..." said Omi, sliding onto the arm of Yohji's chair and slipping an arm around the older blond's shoulders, "suppose that you decided to go Catholic on us, and..."  
In orbit around Mars, about 250,000,000 miles away, Selexxazxq and Malaqxarxzz stood and stared at the shattered Xlaqnaziznian alloy [what we call glass] covering the floor.  
"Qazaxxlekzx mlarxxzpq [What happened]?" asked Malaqxarxzz.  
"Aqxzzqgarlg GRZRQXX!!" [(no translation; refers to the breeding habits of certain poisonous swamp-slugs) humans!!!] replied Selexxazxq angriliy, kicking the remains of his Sub-Atomic Quaxzxamer.  
"Um, I take it he's opposed to the idea?" Ken asked, rubbing his ears. Omi began to pick himself out of the wall. Aya opened the door and walked over, kneeling by Yohji's prostrate body as he took out his earplugs.   
"That would be a safe guess. So, you're in?" Ken nodded.   
"I give him three days." Omi began to examine his fallen teammate for signs of life. Aya and Ken stared. "Well, you have to account for the time he's going to spend unconcious," the 17-year old added sagely. Ken nodded.  
"Wait, how do we know he'll agree?" asked Aya, shaking his red bangs out of his eyes, and not wavering in his expression in the least as they fell back a second later.  
Ken grinned widely and patted his back pocket. "There's no way he can disagree. Not with Omi's photographic...talents."  
"Fine. I give him two days. Exactly two days. I--what are the photos of?" Aya suddenly caught on.  
"Just...let's say they would...ruin his luck with women," Omi chipped in, putting heavy emphasis on 'women', and grinning in about the same way Ken had. Aya slowly raised one eyebrow.  
"I'm in."  
"Great," said Ken, "now let's get him upstairs." They all looked down at the fallen man. He was already muttering about the forces of evil.  
  
"So, let me get this straight. No sex, no kissing, no touching, no fantasizing, no hugging, no self-gratification, not even any dirty movies?" Ken nodded. In the background, Aya was smiling quietly to himself. He didn't know if he had a cruel streak or what, but he was really enjoying the older man's look of panic.  
"And WHAT makes you think I'll agree to this?" Yohji looked decidedly alarmed now. Ken cleared his throat.  
"Omi, the photographs." Yohji paled noticibly at the word photograps, but not nearly so much as he did when actually looking at the photographs. He looked almost as pale as Aya.  
"Erp," said Yohji eloquently.  
"Great. Let's begin."  
  
"Hello, gir-" Yohji stopped and forced himself to turn to the man standing next to him. "Hello, sir, may I help you?" He forced his face into a painful smile.  
"I work here, idiot," said Ken, hitting Yohji with a thick glove.   
"Oh...yeah...sorry, Ken..." It had been two days since Yohji had begun his vow, and it was starting to show. Not just on him, either. His neighbors had delivered him a "thank-you" card. He had put it down the garbage disposal while muttering about conspiracies and Aya being an evil alien behind it all.  
It was sometime in the middle of Day 4 that Yohji started to crack. He turned on Aya, grabbing him by the shoulders and crying out, "Aya, PLEASE! Call off this vow thing! I can't take this anymore!" He only stopped when he held still long enough to catch the look on Aya's face, which subdued faster than listening to Omi talk about computers.  
Later, he eavesdropped while Ken and Omi discussed him.  
"...has been rather hard on him, after all..."  
"...Aya for mercy, for chrissakes..."  
"...yes but still interesting to see..."  
"...for him especially. But it will just make it all the more special, ne..."  
  
He left when he heard the sounds of frenzied making-out. It was too much.  
In the beginning of Day 7, Yohji entered the "sarcasm" stage. Practically everywhere he looked he saw happy couples giggling and making out together. He was staring to feel quite jaded.  
"God, look at them," he muttered to Aya. "Sickening. Can't they think of the rest of us?" He shot a Deathglare(TM) at a young couple making out like there was no tomorrow...hell, like there was no tonight, and only a limited part of afternoon. "I don't even remember what kissing is like..."  
"It's been seven days. You still have 33 to go," replied Aya.  
"Listen to that cold bastard over there," Yohji muttered to the price tags. "This is cruel."  
"That's why I only bet $10 on you," said the redhead, spraying some plants before depositing his apron on the counter and leaving the shop. Somewhere, vauge thumping noises and a moan that sounded like Omi began. Yohji turned towards the noises.  
"SHUT UP!!" He slammed the door on the way to the basement and a nice, soothing cigarette or 20.  
  
It was entering Day 14. Omi and Ken hd had a long discussion about Yohji, who looked like the living dead on a bad day, or something like Christina Aguilera. He had begun staring at his watch as if willing it to move faster. He had just been started out of one of these long periods of silence by ken, to warn him he was standing in a bag of fertilizer pellets.   
"You know, Omi, I'm beginning to worry about Yohji. He looks even worse than he did when we had to do all those missions and Aya was sick and he started replacing sleep with alcohol," said Ken  
"I know." They both cast a swift glace at Yohji, who was standing in a corner, slumped over, staring at his watch and muttering random gibberish to himself, occasionally begging Aya for his magazines.   
  
"Well, Yohji, congratulations. You have officially survived 20 days of no sex whatsoever. You have 20 left."  
"....."  
"Do you want to say anything?"  
"279 hours, 52 minutes, 17 seconds...."  
"Glad you're OK." Ken turned to stare at Yohji. The man was staring straight ahead, making gibberish noises with his mouth. A small trail of drool formed at the corner of his mouth. "Helloooooooooo? Yohji?"  
"Huh? Sorry, what?" Yohji blinked, and straightened up.  
"Uh, nevermind."  
"Oh, ok." Yohji went back to out-staring the roses. Then, he stood up. "You know, this is easier than I thought it would be."  
Ken piku-pikued. "How hard did you think it would be?"  
Yohji was already out the door, smirking.  
  
"We have to do something," said Ken, looking from Aya to Omi. They were all seated around a small, creaky folding card table. "He's starting to get used to it."  
"But what can we do?" asked Omi, picking sleep out of his saucer-like eyes. "And can we PLEASE not have any more 6 AM meetings?" He nudged Aya.  
Aya raised his forehead from the table and forcibly uncrossed his eyes. "I have an idea..."  
  
Somehow, in the middle of the 22nd day, Aya and Yohji ended up working together. The shop was inexplicably empty. Aya was staring hard at Yohji.  
"What?" said Yohji, bored. "My hair messed up?" Aya leaned over him, seaching his green eyes.  
"It's been over 20 days and you haven't screwed anyone." Aya was practically lying on top of the blond. "Wouldn't you like to...?" He left the question hanging.  
"Aya, I can't..." Yohji swallowed.  
"Maybe /u don't want to, but other parts of you do," Aya continued. Knowing this was more than true, Yohji scooted away from Aya faster than Farf from a gallon of holy water. Aya cursed mentally.  
  
Yohji was in the middle of congratulating himself for lasting 27 days without screwing anything when he heard the noise of Omi and Ken going at it like rabbits, and by that I mean rhinoceri. Judging by the volume and frequency of the thumping and moaning, Omi's ben was going to give before he did. Yohji ran far, far away.  
Aya watched, amused, as Ken and Omi walked in, Ken taking little hops, and Omi looking like his ass hurt...a lot. Ken sat down gingerly, but Omi continued to stand, shuffling uncomfortably.  
"I take it it didn't work?"  
"Yeah, and I need a new bed...but I wouldn't say it was *entirely* without result..." Ken immediately started blushing; Omi realized what he'd said and passed out across the table, which broke.  
Ten minutes later, with Omi lying across the broken table and Ken fanning his face, Aya gave a little cough. They both looked up.  
"What should we try, now?"  
There was a brief pause.  
"YESSSSSSSS!!!"  
  
"Ken-kun, why did you put this rose out? It's still hard," said Omi.  
"Yeah, look. It's all horny." Aya indicated the thorns.  
"Well, you know, I thought I might moisten it a bit. Before it comes." Ken fought to keep his voice level.  
"It's going to be a long time," said Aya. "What a weird color yours has! Can I touch it?"  
"Sure!" replied Omi. "Girls like it, but not many guys do. Of course, not many guys go in for this sort of thing, right?" For a few seconds, they all fought to keep a straight face, until they heard the thudmoans that meant...  
Yohji had passed out in horror.  
"Dammit," said Ken, flipping the unconcious blond over. "No wood."  
"Wood..." said Aya. "We didn't get to use that one."  
  
"It's now been 33 days!" said Ken, cheerily, now that he was safely out of swatting range. "How do you feel? L'il Yohji still attached?"  
"The girls all think he went gay," said Omi, while Yohji was occupied with mudering Ken. "And the guys all think he went straight." He rolled off the couch and onto the floor. "Ow."  
"It'll be more than OW when I get through with you!" growled Yohji, dropping Ken. Before he could reach Omi, he was stopped by Aya.  
"Stop. No sex, remember?"  
  
"Well, congratulations, Yohji! You made it through 40 days with no sex whatsoever! And the doctor says Ken's arm will have healed in about a week, and Aya's fine except for the internal bleeding and--"  
"Stop." Yohji cut Omi off, grinning. "Listen, I have something important to say." Everyone sat up to listen. "Well, at first, I may have been a little reluctant. But now, I'm glad you guys put me through this...it taught me that there's more to life than just sex. More constructive ways to fill my time. And so...I've decided to go chaste. Perminantly." There was a long pause.  
"WHAAAAAAAAT?!"  
"We've ruined him," Ken moaned. "We've caused perminant damage."  
"what have we done?!" Omi was in anguish. "We've lost our Yohji!"  
"...you didn't think I was serious, did you?!" Yohji stared. Then he grabbed Aya by the arm and dragged him off into the nearest broom closet. None of the brooms survived.  
  
~Owari 


End file.
